Voldemort and the Toad
by KateKicksAss
Summary: Voldemort is busy infiltrating the Ministry when he catches sighy of Dolores Umbridge and falls in love. Unfortunately, he has no idea how to woo a lady. And how can it work out between them? HUMOR.
1. Love at First Sight

Voldemort first laid eyes on Dolores Umbridge when he was at the ministry one day, impersonating the head of the Auror office. He figured it would be a great opportunity to not only stop them from their nation-wide manhunts for his Death Eaters, he could also Imperius them and hopefully kill a few. His stomach tingled with excitement.

As Cornelius Fudge walked by, engrossed in conversation with some lady, Voldemort debated and decided against Imperiusing him to do something stupid in front of everybody. He would have plenty of time to embarrass that idiot Minister when he finally rose to full power again.

"Good day", said Fudge as he walked by the disguised evil lord. "Good day, Minister", he replied, trying hard to keep the usual sneer out of his voice. Then, he caught a good look at the lady talking to Fudge, and his mind went blank. Suddenly he couldn't remember what he was doing or who he was. He was just concentrating on the breathtaking woman currently talking to the Minister of Magic.

She was short and chubby, wearing a garish pink outfit that most would have run away screaming "AAAGH MY EYES MY EYES" at the sight of, though Voldemorts initial impression of it was that it was adorable. The woman had short, limp, curly brown hair, dishwater eyes, and a little bow in her hair. She looked rather like a toad, with the little ribbon resembling a large fly that would probably soon be her next meal. To most people, she would have appeared quite repulsive, but to Voldemort she was perfect.

He rather liked toads, next to snakes they were his favorite animals. Not that he'd ever tell anyone that.

"Excuse me, are you all right sir?", asked a man, who had just stepped out of a nearby fireplace.

Voldemort nearly crucio-ed the man before speedily remembering who he was impersonating.

He then realized that he had been staring, openmouthed at the woman, and had drool coming out of his mouth.

He quickly shut his mouth, then asked, "Who's that lady next to Fudge?"

"That's Dolores Umbridge, she's the new Senior Undersecretary to the Minister", he replied. "She's not really much of a looker, huh? Reminds me of a toad, and have you seen her office? Hideous".

Voldemort lost control. This insignificant idiot had just insulted the most beautiful, amazingly toad like woman he had ever seen!

Voldemort stunned the man and the gasped in horror at a lady nearby.

"How could you do that to a colleague?", he shouted at her, pointing first at her, then at the stunned man on the floor.

She didn't even have time to declare her innocence before she was hauled away and handcuffed by two burly security wizards.

People were clapping the disguised Voldemort on the back and congratulating him for figuring out who had just stunned the man, who had turned out to be the Ministers Junior assistant, but he shrugged them off and hurried after Fudge and the beautiful Dolores Umbridge.

Voldemort walked a few paces behind them and eavesdropped on their conversation.

"…I quite agree, Minister. And that horrible Harry Potter boy is to blame, spreading lies, as usual", she was saying.

Voldemort nearly swooned. She was beautiful, as well as sharing his hatred of Harry Potter? For the first time ever, the Dark Lord was in love.


	2. Voldemort's BIG Mistake

Voldemort didn't really have much experience with love letters. Okay, he had no experience with them, having never really believed in love until he'd laid eyes on Dolores Umbridge.

"Hmmm", he muttered to himself, "You make me feel like I'm being Crucio-ed", he scribbled the lines down on a piece of parchment then crossed the out. What if she didn't like violence or crucio?

"Maybe I should just ask her out", he thought.

After several hours of planning his next move, he conjured up a bouquet of roses. He knew women liked roses. What he didn't know was that women usually preferred their roses to be alive instead of dead, and bug free, as opposed to cockroach infested.

Voldemort tied up the bouquet with a torn black ribbon.

"Perfect" he declared.

He proceeded to apparate back to the Ministry, and managed to locate Dolores's in-tray after an hour of studying the Easy-To-Read Ministry floor map, located in the Atrium.

Attached to the roses was a card from some Muggle manufacturer called Hallmark. Muggles may not be good for much, but they sure did save a certain Dark Lord from having to write his first ever love note.

After surreptitiously placing the bouquet in Dolore's in-tray, Voldemort hid behind a pillar to wait for Dolores to find his gift.

He didn't have long to wait. Several minutes later, Dolores walked out of her office, spraying herself from a small perfume bottle. Voldemort watched with bated breath as she approached her in-tray.

Dolores smiled as she saw the large card, and Voldemort swooned, leaning against the pillar so he wouldn't lose his balance.

Dolores opened the card and read it out loud.

"Happy Birthday To a….Wonderful….Stepfather", she read, and a mixture of surprise and disgust crossed her face.

"Is this some sort of joke?", she demanded loudly, brandishing the card.

"Oh shoot", Voldemort thought. "Maybe I got the wrong card….."

Then Dolores opened the card and read what was inside.

"I…Love You. Will you…..Marry Me?" she continued. The look deepened, and a hurt, offended look crossed her face.

Just then, Cornelius Fudge walked out of his office, which was next door to Umbridge's.

"Cornelius!", Dolores cried, hurrying towards him as fast as her stubby legs would allow.

"Look at this….this INSULT that someone sent me!". She shoved the card at him.

Fudge read it and a look of shock and confusion spread across his face, to be quickly replaced by anger.

"When I find out who did this", he announced loudly to the now-quiet Atrium. "I will personally make sure they are FIRED, and that they never hold another job at the Ministry again! Actualy, make that another job, PERIOD!".

He patted Dolores comfortingly on the shoulder.

"Oh Well", thought Voldemort. "At least there are still the flowers"

Dolored walked back to her in-tray and spotted the flowers. A look of mild disgust crossed her face when she noted their wilted, dead appearance. She picked them up.

"Where's the garbage-AAUUUUGH!", she shrieked. Dropping the flowers, she began madly swatting at herself.

"COCKROACHES" she shrieked. Everyone stood in shock, watching her. Meanwhile, more cockroaches crawled from the flowers and scurried towards Fudge.

"What's the matter Dolo-ARGH!", he shouted, beginning an odd, on-the-spot sort of jig, as several cockroaches had crawled up his pants leg.

Several people hurried forward and rushed to Umbridge and Fudges aid, only to begin shrieking themselves as the cockroaches found their way into their clothing as well.

Within minutes, the whole atrium was in an uproar, people screaming and trying to shake cockroaches from their sleeves, and people trying to find out what the trouble was and restore order.

Voldemort took the opportunity to Dissapparate.

"I blew it", he thought sadly. "Now she'll never like me"

**Please review! The more reviews I get the faster I write, **

**Im taking suggestions as to what Voldemorts next move is, please let me know if you have any ideas! Thanks for reading!**


	3. Advice and Fudge Flies

Voldemort remained undeterred despite his previous failure at securing the beautiful Dolores Umbridge's heart.

After the flowers disaster, Voldemort had no idea what to do next.

He decided to ask at the next Death Eater meeting. After pulling Bellatrix aside after the meeting, he ushered her into an empty room.

"So, Bellatrix.", he said, sneering slightly.

"If I, say, hypothetically, were to fall in love, what would, er, HYPOTHETICALLY make a good gift to the woman who has captured my heart? Erm, hypothetically of course?"

Bellatrix swooned. "Why, Master, you should send her chocolates, and write her a letter telling her EXACTLY how you feel, and then you should…"

"That's enough, Bella", he said, cutting her off as she smiled at him adoringly, sure he was talking about her. Bellatrix looked slightly disappointed, Voldemot noticed, but he didn't really care. She was his best and most loyal servant, probably just disappointed that she hadn't done enough for her Lord that day.

Besides, he didn't have time to care. After taking polyjuice potion so that he could shop incognito, he apparated to Hogsmeade. It was time to hit Honeydukes.

The disguised Dark Lord stepped into the shop. It was packed, with brightly colored candy everywhere, and as it was magical candy, it flew, exploded, emitted odd noises, and glittered. Voldemorts head began to spin. He definitely wasn't cut out for this "love" business. He grabbed a nearby employee by the hair and she showed him to the Chocolate section.

He couldn't believe how many there were! Every size, every flavor, and he had no clue which ones his darling Dolores would prefer, and he was starting to get a headache from being in the shop for so long. Suddenly, he saw it. He grabbed a package and disapparated. Luckily, it was crowded enough that nobody realized he'd left without bothering to pay.

When he looked upon his selection, he smiled. "Fudge Flies", he thought, "Perfect!"

Nothing could go wrong now!


	4. How to write a Love Note

**Okay, I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry how long it took for me to update. I'm a terrible horrible person who has almost completely abandoned FanFiction until now. I'm sorry. It won't happen again :P**

Voldemort spent the rest of the day working on a letter to Dolores, making sure to tell her how he truly felt. He realized that his previous letter had been too abrupt and straightforward. Also, he'd stolen the wrong blasted card from Hallmark!

He made a mental note to find out who owned the Hallmark company and to go give them a good crucio, but his current goal was to woo Dolores, hopefully before any other man could see her beauty and how wonderful she was, and try to win her over. She was HIS.

"I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. You are so remarkable toadlike and I think that is beautiful. The way you waddle around is so alluring. I think you are the most wonderful person I have ever laid eyes on. The way your hair hands limply down from your head like dead strands is simply stunning. I like dead things. I think I am in love with you. Please, how many muggles must I kill to win your heart?

From,

A Secret Admirer

PS-I hate Harry Potter too!"

"It's perfect!", Voldemort smiled at the paper. He folded it in half, drew a skull on the front, and addressed it "To Dolores".

He then quickly scribbled another note, and stuck it to the front of the Fudge Fly box.

Time to head back to the Ministry and try again. Voldemort had a good feeling this time. He'd written a perfect love note, and gotten Chocolates-what could go wrong now?

**I promise there won't be another super-long wait for Chapter 5. Thank you to anyone who's still reading this story despite the huge gap, and to any new readers! Feedback is appreciated. As well as ideas for potential future seduction attempts Voldy could try!**


	5. NotSo Minor Setbacks

Voldemort strode into the Ministry Atrium, once again disguised as an employee. He hadn't been able to get ahold of the head of Auror offices again, but he'd found some other worker to turn into. He immensely disliked the body he'd currently transformed into. He was short, balding, and rather round. He shook his head and grimaced. A few witches nearby gave him odd looks, and moved away. He quickly smiled at them and hurried off in the other direction. Big mistake!

"THERE YOU ARE!", boomed a loud, deep, voice. Voldemort had almost run smack into a tall, buff man wearing a red cloak emblazoned with "MINISTRY CLEANING SERVICES" on it.

"Bill, I told you to buff the floors of the Auror offices YESTERDAY!", the man yelled, grabbing the disguised Voldemort by the arm. Voldemort was not happy. He managed to resist the temptation to Crucio the man into oblivion.

He tried to jerk away, but the man was too strong. "Do you want to lose your job, Bill?", snapped the big man. "Don't forget, you're just a newbie in the Ministry janitorial services. I can fire you in a second!".

Voldemort cursed his bad luck, and allowed himself to be dragged along by the man, whose nametag identified him as "Hello! My Name is: Robert Paulson (Ministry Cleaning Services Head Manager)". He gnashed his teeth, vowing to kill this Robert Paulson character FIRST when he came back later to take over the Ministry. He shifted the box of chocolates in his arms to try to avoid dropping it.

Robert dragged him down several flights of stairs and down a corridor, into a small locker room that smelled like mold.

"I'm gonna have to dock your salary Bill, you're not in uniform!", he growled, throwing a bundle of ugly red fabric at him. Voldemort reluctantly opened the bundle of fabric, revealing a hideous, red, tight-fitting polyester uniform, unattractively emblazoned with "MINISTRY CLEANING SERVICES", along with the logo, a smiling mop and bucket. He shuddered.

Suddenly, another employee, a young man with a handlebar mustache, walked in the door. He bowed, seeming scared, to Robert Paulson.

"Er, Mr. Paulson?", he stammered.

"Get up, Arkie! I am a busy man you know, I don't have all day!", yelled Robert, turning away from Voldemort to glare at Arkie. Voldemort sighed, relieved, and wrapped the chocolates and the note in his cape.

"S-so, er, you told me to b-b-buff the floors of the Atrium, near the M-minister and his cabinets offices, but Penelope and her team were there and they told m-me to g-go buff the floors of t-the auror offices", Arkie stammered nervously, bowing again.

Robert Paulson glared. "Fine. Bill here can buff the floors by the Ministers offices then. You hear that Bill, you incompetent fool?"

Voldemort nodded, seeing red. Literally. He bit down on his lip so hard he tasted blood. It was so hard not to just Avada Kedavra the Robert Paulson moron. If ANYONE had treated him that way while he wasn't in disguise trying to win a woman's heart, he would have…..well, actually, they wouldn't even have been able to treat him that way, because they'd already be dead.

Suddenly, a group of Employees wearing the same hideous red uniforms flooded into the locker room. "Lunch break!", one of them cheered gleefully.

Robert glared at Voldemort. "Bill, change in the next thirty seconds and meet me outside, otherwise I'm gonna fire your sorry ass", he snapped, stepping outside.

Voldemort cursed under his breath and began changing into the itchy, hot uniform.

"Aww, is widdle Bill afwaid of big bad Mr. Paulson?", a singsong voice asked. It was a young, blond woman, who was leering at Bill.

"Haha, and he can't even put on his uniform right!", chuckled a nearby man, pointing. Voldemort looked down to see that in his fit of rage, he'd accidentally, tried poking his foot through one of the arm holes of the shirt.

Loud laughs rang out. Voldemort gathered that the man he was impersonating, Bill, was not very popular among his coworkers.

Suddenly, a hand reached out and grabbed the box of chocolates that he'd so cleverly hidden in his cloak.

"Fudge flies?", laughed the man who'd grabbed the box.

"Give that back!", demanded Voldemort angrily, yanking the uniform shirt over his head.

"Oooh, and what are you gonna do about it, huh, huh?", laughed the perpetrator, dancing away with the box.

"You eat FUDGE FLIES? You're so disgusting!", yelled an onlooker. People kept laughing, and someone else shoved Voldemort from behind.

"Oops, did you trip, Bill?", joked someone behind him.

"LISTEN YOU MORONS! WHEN I COME BACK TO TAKE OVER THE MINISTRY YOU ARE ALL GOING TO BE VERY SORRY!", yelled Voldemort, losing it.

He then realized what he'd just said, and clapped a hand over his mouth. Luckily, it didn't seem to matter.

He was just greeted by another chorus of laughs, then someone shoved him out the door, right into an angry Robert Paulson, and tossed the Fudge Flies after him.

"Bill! You idiot! For Merlin's sake, watch where you're going!", yelled Robert. "This way! Cleaning supplies!".

Twenty minutes later, Robert Paulson had strapped Voldemort into a large contraption, which rested on his back, with a long hose attached, which had a buffing cloth on the end. The machine made light whirring sounds, and gently emitted clouds of sweet smelling lavender smoke. Voldemort hated it. He was also assigned a large bucket, full of a greenish liquid for him to dip the buffing cloth hose into every few minutes, which was magically enchanted to follow him around.

Robert finally dropped Voldemort off in the Atrium, near Fudge and Umbridge's offices, and left with the warning, "If you aren't done in half an hour, you're good as dead!".

Voldemort quickly checked to make sure the coast was clear, then he dropped the box of Fudge Flies and the love letter into Dolores's inbox. Even though he was dressed in a hideous janitors uniform, nothing could go wrong now!


	6. An arrest is made

Voldemort pretended to actually buff the floors while he waited for Umbridge to discover his latest delivery.

He dunked the buffing cloth/hose into the liquid, and pretended to earnestly be polishing the floor next to Umbridge's office door. Suddenly, he heard footsteps, and the door opened.

Umbridge stepped out, followed by Fudge and a red haired man who was apparently the Junior Undersecretary to the Minister. He looked suspiciously like a Weasley, but at the moment, Voldemort didn't actually care.

"…so, Minister, let me just check my in-tray, and then we can go to lunch, allright?", Umbridge was saying.

Voldemort sucked in a breath of delight. Finally, she'd understand. He was sure he hadn't made any mistakes this time! We watched with bated breath as she headed over to the in-trays.

"What are you doing?", demanded Fudge, looking down at the disguised Voldemort on the floor.

With a lot of effort, Voldemort looked up at him and smiled. "I'm just buffing the floors, Minister", he replied, trying not to think of how good it would feel to just Avada Kedavra Fudge on the spot.

"Huh, okay", grunted Fudge, ignoring Voldemort once again. Umbridge had now reached her in-tray.

Voldemort's face fell when he was the suspicious expression cross Umbridge's face when she saw the paper with the skull on the front. He held his breath as he watched her pick it up and open it.

Her expression then ranged from shock, to horror, to disgust, to offended, then back to shock.

"Minister, Minister!", she wailed, racing towards Fudge as fast as her stubby legs would carry her.

"What is it, Dolores?", Fudge looked concerned. "Is it another one of those insults? I assure you, the Auror office is hard at work trying to identify the perpetrator."

"Someone sent me offensive DEATH THREATS!", she exclaimed, brandishing the letter around and shoving it into Fudge's hands.

His expression changed, and he looked surprised and infuriated as he read the message.

"I do agree about that Potter boy, but this is an outrage!", cried Umbridge.

Fudge crumpled up the letter in his fist in anger, and strode to the middle of the atrium. The Ministry employees milling about stopped and looked at him curiously.

"Someone has just sent Dolores Umbridge, valued Ministry employee, and offensive letter that also threatens to kill muggles. Anyone with information MUST COME FORTH IMMEDIATELY! And whoever is responsible is looking at an empty cell in Azkaban, and I will personally destroy the key myself!", he yelled angrily, holding up the letter.

He walked back to Umbridge and the red haired Junior Undersecretary.

"This is getting completely out of hand!", he yelled in rage. "First that card and those flowers-it took me ages to get those roaches out of my pants-and now this!"

"Excuse me", the disguised Voldemort stepped forward. A brilliant, evil idea had just struck him.

"What is it, Janitor?", snapped Fudge, his face red.

"I-I think I know who did it", said Voldemort, pretending to sound nervous.

Umbridge, Fudge, and the Junior Undersecretary hurried towards him.

"Well blast it, why didn't you say so?", demanded Fudge.

"I think Robert Paulson, the Head Manager of Ministry Cleaning Services is responsible", he lied.

"I always see him staring at Madam Umbridge when she passes by him, and earlier, he insisted on scrubbing the walls around the in-tray's are, even though it's usually a two person job", he lied.

Umbridge began nodding. "Why, I'll bet it was him! I've never seen him before, but I bet he's suspicious!"

"What's your name?"asked Fudge to Voldemort.

"Uh, Bill", Voldemort lied, using the body's original owners name.

Fudge clapped him on the back..

"Well Bill, you've just earned yourself a promotion. You can start as Madam Umbridge's new secretary. Her old one was just fired after he spilled her tea. How does that sound?"

Voldemort nearly fainted with glee. "Thank you so much Minister!", he cried. He would now get to be near his darling Dolores each day! Well, whenever it suited his schedule, that was….

"If you take that hideous uniform off, you can start today!", said Umbridge cheerily.

"Now, lets go arrest that Robert Paulson", said Fudge, gesturing to a few security guards. "You've just done a tremendous public service, Bill. I'm sure it was hard to turn in your own boss, but you did the right thing".

Voldemort tried not to snigger.


	7. Nagini and Mannequins

Voldemort, still disguised as the rather unpopular Bill, watched happily as Robert Paulson was dragged off by a gang of burly Ministry security wizards.

He decided to take the rest of the day off. And find a better person to impersonate.

Later, Voldemort found himself a new body to impersonate. He'd tried, this time, to find someone good looking, instead of an unpopular, unattractive person like Bill.

Disguising himself as a mannequin, he'd hung out in the Men's clothing section of a wizarding Department Store. It had taken a while, but finally, he'd found a somewhat attractive looking man, and had knocked him out with a well-placed bash on the head with the arm of another mannequin, (As a security precaution to prevent people from shoplifting using magic, there was a protective curtain around the store that prevented spells from working), knocked out all the witnesses, and dragged the unconscious man out the door and apparated back to Malfoy Manor, the Death Eater Headquarters with him. Though the man's good looks were now slightly marred by the large bruise on his temple, Voldemort felt he would do.

After forcing Wormtail to go lock up the poor man in the cellar, he decided he now needed a new plan of action for wooing Dolores. Apparently flowers, love notes, and chocolate weren't very effective. He'd actually been surprised that none of his attempts had worked. From what he'd heard, women went nuts over candy, roses, and love notes. He shook his head in confusion. Maybe times had just changed?

Sighing in frustration, he picked up Nagini. She wound happily around his neck, and began hissing happily. Voldemort stroked her as he paced around his darkened study.

"What to do, what to do….", he mused to himself.

"Issssss sssssssomething wrong, Massssssster?", Nagini hissed in Parseltongue into his ear.

"Oh….just trying to think of how to woo the girl of my dreams", he muttered dreamily.

Nagini perked up. "That'ssssss sssssssso ssssssssssweet, Massssster!", she hissed, twining around him affectionately.

"Yes, yes", Voldemort stroked his chin and sat down at his desk. "She works for the Ministry of Magic, and all my attempts so far haven't gone very well", he admitted.

Nagini drooped sadly, and frowned a little snake-y frown. Oh well…..a snake could dream, couldn't she? Well, her Master was probably totally out of her league anyway.

"Well, ssssssssssometimesssssssss, assssssssssss a romantic gessssssssture, we ssssssssssssnakesssssss give each other dead ratsssssssss", Nagini suggested.

"Hmmmm…I don't know if Dolores likes rats…..and I really don't want to mess things up again", Voldemort said. He'd have been tearing his hair out at this point, if he had hair.

"Well, you could assssssssssk Luciusssssssss for advice", Nagini suggested. "Sssssssssssssomehow that bleach blond managed to find a wife….he mussssssssssst've done ssssssssssssomething right…."

"Good idea! Nagini, you clever snake!", cried Voldemort, jumping up.

He hurried to the door.

"LUCIUS! GET OVER HERE! NOW!", he yelled at the top of his lungs, smiling as he heard Lucius running in fear to come join his master.


End file.
